I was always forgetting to take something out for dinner until it was too late.
Chicken takes so long to defrost. Fish is a little quicker. It was inertia mainly. Never realizing I was hungry until I was starving. I cursed myself because if nothing was ready I’d just get take-out or not eat at all. The routine was gone. I didn’t have a schedule anymore. And there was no one to cook for; unless you count the dogs. They’d sit beside me shaking and drooling no matter what I decided on for dinner. I’d stare at their faces and relinquish what I had. I lost my taste for it anyway. Food was just one of the things I’d lost interest in lately.
After my daily walk was done (the bright spot of my day), I’d turn on my laptop praying that there’d be actual emails from actual people. And maybe, just maybe one of them was a positive response to the multitudes of resumes I’d sent out. People who work don’t realize how isolated the non-workers get over time. I can imagine what’s it’s like for new mothers. No friends at home during the daytime. Only the baby to talk too. Constantly feeding, burping changing…folding tiny clothes. Just waiting until someone (anyone) comes home to alleviate the pattern of the day. Someone to talk adult things too. Someone who’ll stop you from losing your mind. But we, the isolated, forget what its like to have lives that are so busy you can’t think straight. So we’re all evenly myopic in our own misery.
I wanted someone to rescue me too. But I’m stuck with just canine companions. They lay in the kitchen and watch me only moving their eyes; silently praying that I’ll head to the refrigerator..or the treat jar. Or, maybe we can go for another walk; even though I logged my daily quota of miles. Sometimes I feel like such a disappointment to them. I can picture them saying “Look at her, out of work again. How will she feed us? She just sits there in the morning blankly staring at the TV while sipping coffee…pathetic.” “How many times can she play games on her phone; check Twitter, or Facebook? We could have done so much better.”
I agree with them on occasion. How could I not? Constant study of my life didn’t always show things I wanted to see. If you ask me what I’m passionate about it takes me a minute or two to think of something. If you ask me what I’m most proud of I have to dig way back in the recesses of my cerebral cortex and pull something out kicking and screaming. I’m smart. I’ll give myself that one. I’m pretty damn smart actually. That’s why I get bored so very, very easily. But, I lacked street smarts and made a host of bad decisions. Don’t we all?
Bad decisions. Well, if I were to tell you some of them I’d have to kill you once I’d said them out loud. Some I might not even confess on my death-bed; they’re that bad. No, I haven’t actually killed someone – yet. Mostly they were foolish mistakes based on my overblown sense of self and outrage over what I perceived were cruelly inflicted injustices by others (never me). And mostly they were about men and sex and thinking I needed to be married to be happy..or needed a man to be happy..to take care of me..to provide for me…to control me..to stop the lonliness. So many people just settle because they’re so afraid to uncouple. And every girl needs a man to be happy..right? Thanks Dad.
Now I’m tripping out on meditation, cursing the fact that I can’t afford acupuncture, reflexology, getting my aura cleansed. I read my daily affirmations before I plop down in front of the TV – I mean the laptop. I chant a little Om and set an intention for the day. I spread it all out there for the Universe and try to be so God damn grateful that I cry. But somehow when I cry in gratitude for all that I have a little bit of humanity finds its way out through my cracks and the tears switch over to anguish for the things that I don’t.
Why is that? Why does that happen? Where does that even come from? I mean come ON, some people would kill for my life – unemployed or not! But, no one has that answer. No one knows why we reach a certain point and despite everything we’ve accomplished we sell ourselves short. Maybe we do it to just keep going. Maybe we do it because we know we need more goals, more motivation, more reasons to get out of bed.
Maybe we just need to defrost the chicken before it’s too late.