Inherent

It was to be offered out slowly
She did not see that
She gave it quickly from a good place
Pure of heart

It was to supply a generation
He thought that; He arranged it
One wish meant to keep them together
Those who mix like oil spilled in the ocean

It wasn’t an heirloom; though he thought it
One suffered to keep it; one suffered to take it
Instructions for its preservation unclear
An intention too late to understand

As those who came before; she was duped
Rehearsed caring and forced smiles
Kept the belly of ignorance well-fed
They never knew what crawled beneath the surface

Too late now; Neither can grab it back
What remains will now be guarded
What was given pure is now stained
Green to red; back to the crumbling earth

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This Place

I knew this place once
I absorbed crystal clarity; the stark white of it
I understood the rhythm; routine of it
I valued tilt and direction; leaves in the breeze; petals blowing off flowers

I knew this place once
I believed; I thought; I felt; I alleged
I realized the smooth, clean curve of it; silky under fingertips
I trusted steel, wood, leather, softness blinding bright in the eye

I knew this place once.
It felt its own stillness, the peace, the ripple, the confidential
I listened to it shatter, scream, break, claw, roar and bellow
I bore the ground break; chasms deep; earth dividing, wood splitting, walls collapsing

I knew this place once.
I believed it restored, renovated, patched up; fixed
It ate up time, a spell, a stretch, a stage to do it
I knew this place once
Someday Finished.

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Dogs of Confusion (A Rhyme)

I’m chatting with them nightly like they have something to say;
three dogs held in confusion; no more room to run and play.
Toenails tapping endlessly along the kitchen floor;
if someone doesn’t light someplace I’m closing all the doors.

I understand that things have changed; adjustments must be made.
But they’re like pent-up lions being forced inside a cage.
They can’t decide with whom to sleep; from bed to bed they go.
I’m wondering if loyalties have them hopping to and fro.

I’ll gladly skip their company each night to get some sleep,
but then they start the scratching, and the pacing makes me weep.
I hate to close them out at night, I hate to make them choose;
yet my sleep is more important than a show of who loves who.

In time they’ll all get used to smaller spaces and less freedom.
A walk, the park, a romp inside will be all they’ll need to please them.
In time the house will be at night as it used to be;
And, my two dogs will snuggle, once again with only me.

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A Rescued Life (For Abby)

AbbyFace

At eight weeks old you took me;
tossed me straight into a box.
Drove me miles from my mother
to be part of breeding stock.

I was kept inside the basement
while you lived your life upstairs.
No softness, only harshness
while you lived without a care.

For food I ate the scraps you tossed
I chewed my cage for “fun”
For a bath you turned the hose on me
I had no place else to run.

The days went by so slowly
I had wondered what I’d done.
Two years passed by imprisoned
I had yet to see the sun.

The only touch I had
was when you tried to make me breed.
But your hands gripped me in anger
and I could not plant a seed.

When I could not produce a litter
you said your time with me was through.
You tried to procure another
your intent was less than true.

But in your haste to waste another
my situation was found out.
I was brought out of the darkness
by a rescue group with clout.

I was finally touched with love and care
and got to see the sun.
I was rid of all the sickness
and was shown that life is fun.

Now I’m living with another
and she treats me like a queen.
I’m just one of many rescues
who find such joy in being free.

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To Me (A Rhyme)

I’VE NEVER BEEN IMPRISONED.
NEVER KNOWN THAT KIND OF PAIN.
I’VE NEVER FACED REPRESSION;
NOR BEEN TREATED LIKE A STAIN.

I’VE NEVER HAD TO FIGHT
SO THAT MY VOICE ALONE WAS HEARD.
SO MANY OTHERS DID THAT FOR ME;
HAVE I NOTHING LEFT TO LEARN?

I’VE NEVER HAD TO HIDE MY SEX;
NEVER BEEN INSIDE THOSE CHAINS.
THE ONLY CELL I’VE BEEN IN
RESIDES SOLELY IN MY BRAIN.

THEN YOU ASK ME ABOUT FREEDOM
HOW CAN I TELL YOU WHAT THAT MEANS?
AS YOU’VE READ I’VE NEVER STRUGGLED
IT SEEMS A NORMAL THING TO ME.

I GUESS FOR ME THEN FREEDOM MEANS
A LIFE LIVED WITHOUT FEAR
NO CELLS, NO STAIN, MY CHOICES
NO WADING IN A POOL OF TEARS.

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I’m Defrosting.

I was always forgetting to take something out for dinner until it was too late.

Chicken takes so long to defrost. Fish is a little quicker. It was inertia mainly. Never realizing I was hungry until I was starving. I cursed myself because if nothing was ready I’d just get take-out or not eat at all. The routine was gone. I didn’t have a schedule anymore. And there was no one to cook for; unless you count the dogs. They’d sit beside me shaking and drooling no matter what I decided on for dinner. I’d stare at their faces and relinquish what I had. I lost my taste for it anyway. Food was just one of the things I’d lost interest in lately.

After my daily walk was done (the bright spot of my day), I’d turn on my laptop praying that there’d be actual emails from actual people. And maybe, just maybe one of them was a positive response to the multitudes of resumes I’d sent out. People who work don’t realize how isolated the non-workers get over time. I can imagine what’s it’s like for new mothers. No friends at home during the daytime. Only the baby to talk too. Constantly feeding, burping changing…folding tiny clothes. Just waiting until someone (anyone) comes home to alleviate the pattern of the day. Someone to talk adult things too. Someone who’ll stop you from losing your mind. But we, the isolated, forget what its like to have lives that are so busy you can’t think straight. So we’re all evenly myopic in our own misery.

I wanted someone to rescue me too. But I’m stuck with just canine companions. They lay in the kitchen and watch me only moving their eyes; silently praying that I’ll head to the refrigerator..or the treat jar. Or, maybe we can go for another walk; even though I logged my daily quota of miles. Sometimes I feel like such a disappointment to them. I can picture them saying “Look at her, out of work again. How will she feed us? She just sits there in the morning blankly staring at the TV while sipping coffee…pathetic.” “How many times can she play games on her phone; check Twitter, or Facebook? We could have done so much better.”

I agree with them on occasion. How could I not? Constant study of my life didn’t always show things I wanted to see. If you ask me what I’m passionate about it takes me a minute or two to think of something. If you ask me what I’m most proud of I have to dig way back in the recesses of my cerebral cortex and pull something out kicking and screaming. I’m smart. I’ll give myself that one. I’m pretty damn smart actually. That’s why I get bored so very, very easily. But, I lacked street smarts and made a host of bad decisions. Don’t we all?

Bad decisions. Well, if I were to tell you some of them I’d have to kill you once I’d said them out loud. Some I might not even confess on my death-bed; they’re that bad. No, I haven’t actually killed someone – yet. Mostly they were foolish mistakes based on my overblown sense of self and outrage over what I perceived were cruelly inflicted injustices by others (never me). And mostly they were about men and sex and thinking I needed to be married to be happy..or needed a man to be happy..to take care of me..to provide for me…to control me..to stop the lonliness. So many people just settle because they’re so afraid to uncouple. And every girl needs a man to be happy..right? Thanks Dad.

Now I’m tripping out on meditation, cursing the fact that I can’t afford acupuncture, reflexology, getting my aura cleansed. I read my daily affirmations before I plop down in front of the TV – I mean the laptop. I chant a little Om and set an intention for the day. I spread it all out there for the Universe and try to be so God damn grateful that I cry. But somehow when I cry in gratitude for all that I have a little bit of humanity finds its way out through my cracks and the tears switch over to anguish for the things that I don’t.

Why is that? Why does that happen? Where does that even come from? I mean come ON, some people would kill for my life – unemployed or not! But, no one has that answer. No one knows why we reach a certain point and despite everything we’ve accomplished we sell ourselves short. Maybe we do it to just keep going. Maybe we do it because we know we need more goals, more motivation, more reasons to get out of bed.

Maybe we just need to defrost the chicken before it’s too late.

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Listen (Can you hear me?)

Every time there is a need I give myself to you
(without fail)
A pool to dip your pain in
Yet, I wonder who’s the fool.

An ear that’s at the ready;
listening intently when you talk
The angst that’s in my gut has now been pushed back to the rear
A phone vibrates, a child screams;
My place becomes quite clear.

Toss the dog (me) a bone and he’ll (I’ll) contentedly while the hours
Ignore him (me) and he’ll (I’ll) shrivel like a slowly dying flower.
Friendships are a two-way street; true I’d hope at best
How mundane it is to learn that some don’t stand up to the test.

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